My Dad died five years ago today.

I was thinking about this on my way home last night -- wallking to the subway, pausing to admire a Christmas display. I was looking at the white ornaments and tinsel when it hit me: this year will be the sixth Christmas my Dad will never see.

My niece and nephew are five years older -- such a difference made in that time. Events have gone on in the world; good and bad. Major things have happened in my family...and my Mom is now older than my Dad. And they'd always joked about the reverse.

We're going out to the cemetary today, but this year may be the last time for me. I've observed my Dad's death for five years, and I don't want to remember -- well, relive -- that day anymore. It's too painful, and I need to let some of this go. Remember the good things, etc.

For some reason, the fact that it snowed that day still sticks out in my mind -- it was so cold. So cold, in fact, that I had to have Michael bring me a warmer coat the next day, as we went out and made the arrangements. I stayed over my mother's house house that night: barely slept.

A big point of distress is that I have new people in my life; people that are important to me, and they will never get to meet him. They will never see how certain aspects of my father are in me, and it's impossible for me to explain it to them. And, of course, Dad will never get to meet them. That frustrates and upsets me to no end.

Cameron Crowe, a film director, talked about how when his father died, it took a long time for his family to find their rhythm again. I know that five years on, my family has yet to find ours. And may not: not ever, or at least not for a long time.

I would write ten pages about how much I miss my Dad, but you all know that already.

I am the girl that says "grrrr!"

Non-profit can be both rewarding and challenging. I'm having one of the more "challenging" days. :P Another organization has collaborated with us on a project; I need to post information about the project, as well as the project's logo, on our Web site.

The catch is that the logo is incredibly difficult to read, and clashes with our overall site style -- and it needs to head up the page! I'm trying to find ways to improve the situation somewhat, but none of them are working. So: grrrrr!

On the flip side, I bought "SSX on Tour" for my Xbox last weekend. It's a lot of fun -- I cracked up when I heard Iron Maiden on the soundtrack, too. Best part I found so far: there's a portion of the race where you are required to "tag" or, really, knock down a certain amount of little clueless kids on skis that wander aimlessly and get in your way. It's a challenge -- aiming for the kids is hard. >:) But deeply satisfying, in an evil way. I just may need to play that tonight, you betcha.

And that means it's time for the Great Pumpkin!

Mwahahahaha...

...it's musical breast implants!

How it is that I can't do math to save my life, I have no sense of geographical direction whatsoever...but I can remember all the frickin' words to "Date with a Vampyre Girl" by the Screaming Tribesmen with no problem -- even though I haven't heard the song in at least ten years?

Started singing right along. Even remembered the guitar solo.

Aieeeeee!

My cousin died last Tuesday night. His wake was Friday; funeral Saturday. He had a very untimely death.

I feel terrible for his family and his fiancee. My heart goes out to them.